It’s an exciting time for wannabe foodies, especially for breaking out of the old meat and three-veg format. With the current foodie renaissance underway and the proliferation of food blogs, more people than ever before are getting inspired to try their hands at cooking things that require a certain degree of skill. To be clear, we applaud you for giving it a good Aussie go! But there are some spectacular fails out there, and let’s be honest; we love a good laugh, so we’ve decided to celebrate those kitchen disasters.
Kitchen fails to fall into two main categories:
A) it looks weird, but it tastes ok.
This applies to most cake fails. Just add ice cream, and everything will be fine.
Just add ice cream
B) it looks disgusting, and it tastes disgusting
Unsalvageable. Photo by rochelle hartman
The fail
We asked around the office, and everyone has a story of failure in the kitchen – whether it was an impulsive food pairing in your teenage years or a lack of concentration when reaching for a particular spice – we’ve all been there.
To protect the reputation of our colleagues (who are all fine cooks now!), we won’t be naming names, but here are a few things that have gone awry.
* putting fish fingers on the BBQ. It just didn’t work out. These suckers are not designed to be placed on a grill.
* Go to the Czech Republic’s supermarket and buy chicken butts instead of chicken thighs. Oops! The perils of being in a new land and not being able to read the labels!
* cooking dried beans without consulting a recipe or knowing these little rocks take hours of soaking and cooking. Completely inedible.
* making porridge in a rush and inadvertently grabbing the cumin off the shelf instead of the cinnamon. Oops!
* tipping a packet of frozen beef strips into the wok and checking your email at the other end of the house. Twenty minutes later, you return to realize that you didn’t notice the strip of plastic still on the beef that is now burned into the bottom of your wok. Not only is it inedible, but your kitchen stinks like burned plastic.
Chocolate Silk Bread Pudding Fail by Matthew Oliphant
Tips & tricks
Of course, things happen due to lack of experience, impulsiveness, and distraction, but we thought we’d give you a few handy hints for future cooking adventures:
* If you can confidently boil an egg and make a basic tomato pasta sauce but not much more, it’s not such a great idea to attempt coq au vin straight off the bat.
* if you need to become more experienced in the kitchen, follow the recipe. We repeat: follow the recipe. FYI: that includes oven temperature directions.
* just because a spice or herb begins with the same letter does not mean that you can substitute it in the recipe. Cardamom, cinnamon, and cumin taste very, very different. If you don’t have all the required spices and herbs in your cupboard, make sure to make uninformed substitutions. Every cuisine has special seasoning and spice combos; if you need help, check this quick guide.
* do not check your emails, hang out your washing or go out for a cigarette. Do not turn your back on the stove for one minute or five! Pay attention, people!
* if you’re visiting a country where you don’t speak the language, ask a friend if you need clarification on what that mystery packet in the supermarket contains.
* just because your last attempt ended in a disgusting, gloopy, burned mess doesn’t mean you should give up! Get back on that horse! Remember, you wouldn’t have such funny stories to tell without some spectacular disasters…. in the meantime, order some takeaway and appreciate the unique skills that have gone into cooking that delicious meal!